The moment when you found your long-lost-crush's FB profile, and you saw the status was "Engaged". Hurm...

I really need to do some changes for myself, for good I mean.

Followings are the few things I really need to get rid of;

1) Some addiction

2) Anger/Hot tempered

3) High expectation on someone/something

Those 3 things are the main core which lead myself being the unwanted me. I thought I already passed through the first one because I haven't done it for almost a month. But somehow I accidentally did it. Shit. The second one is very challenging for me. I tried to not to take something too seriously but somehow things get pissed me easily. For instance, when I need to repeat what I said to my parents. I should have known that at their age, things might get hard for them to hear something very clearly. And I shouldn't raise my voice which makes them think that I get mad. It happened for soooo many times. I feel bad after that and straightly seek for their forgiveness. I really need to control my anger. 

As for the third one. Well, they say "less is more" right? I really wish that I can be invisible. Let myself do my stuff silently without anyone ever noticed me. I love myself, thus I need to learn on how to be less expecting in so many ways..in rezki especially. Yeah, pray and tawakkal is one thing, I believe in that. But for human relationship is very complex. I need to differentiate between expectation and dependence. 

I wish in Malaysia we have this one support group where we can attend to channel our thoughts. 

My heart literally sinks
I feel so empty
Neither happy nor sad
Just nothing
That feeling when you don’t even know what the fuck you’re feeling anymore
Those flashbacks keep coming back
Nothing I can do other than stay strong 
The weird thing is, I want to cry
But the tears just won't come out
I don't have any shoulder to cry on
but I know, I will always have the floor to suujud 
Inshaallah.